Funny dirty jokes for adults

Foreplay is like a good playlist: skip the intro and you miss the best part.

My bedroom has a strict dress code: none.

Why is it called getting lucky? Clearly some skill was involved.

My dating profile says I'm looking for something serious. My browser history disagrees.

The walk of shame is just a victory lap in yesterday's clothes.

I don't sleep around. I barely sleep at all when she's over.

In my twenties, it lasted all night. In my forties, the recovery does.

My love life is a fairy tale. It happened once upon a time.

My girlfriend says I'm a tease. I'll tell you why later.

Couples who play together stay together. Couples who play strip poker stay up late.

The bedroom is the only place where "let's take it slow" is a compliment.

My favorite position is next to her, with snacks.

I asked her what turns her on. She said, "The lights, the fan, and then the TV."

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Ours mostly happen after midnight.

Nothing kills the mood like a squeaky bed and an upstairs neighbor with a broom.

I like my coffee like my Sunday mornings in bed: long, hot and with nobody rushing me.

Someone told me size doesn't matter. They were talking about phones, but I took it personally.

The early bird gets the worm. The night owl gets everything else.

Handcuffs are like a gym membership: you buy them full of plans, then lose the key.

I'm like a fine wine: better with age, and best enjoyed in the evening.

"Sleeping together" is the most misleading phrase in the English language.

Netflix and chill has two settings, and only one of them involves Netflix.

My doctor said I need more cardio, so I started chasing my girlfriend around the apartment.

Mood lighting is a fancy way of saying "please don't look at the laundry."

Spontaneous romance is great, but have you ever had a nap nobody interrupted?

I dated a carpenter. She nailed it, then she screwed me over.

My ex was an electrician. Great at turning me on, terrible at staying connected.

I dated a gardener. Every date ended with her planting one on me.

I dated a baker. Things heated up fast, and I still think about her buns.

I dated a chef. She always turned up the heat, and she never skipped dessert.

I dated a yoga instructor. She bent over backwards for me, which was impressive and a little alarming.

I dated a bartender. She shook things up and always poured me a stiff one.

My girlfriend is a photographer. She says everything develops better in the darkroom.

I dated an astronomer. Every night she showed me a new position. Of the stars, obviously.

I dated a marathon runner. She had amazing stamina. I did not.

I dated a tailor. She kept taking my measurements, way more often than necessary.

I dated a mapmaker. She knew every curve, every peak and exactly where we were going.

I dated a magician. She made my clothes disappear, then she disappeared by morning.

I dated a mechanic. She says I'm high maintenance, but she loves working under my hood.

My girlfriend is a meteorologist. Tonight's forecast: hot and steamy, with showers for two.

I dated a programmer. She said I had great hardware but needed a software update.

I dated a firefighter. She came over, got me all hot, then hosed me down.

I dated a barista. She likes it hot, strong and first thing in the morning.

Lumberjacks make great boyfriends. They're up at dawn, and there's always plenty of wood.

I dated a potter. Things got messy at the wheel, and neither of us minded.

I dated a DJ. She knew exactly when to drop the bass and when to turn me up.

I dated a pilot. She said a little turbulence is just foreplay for a smooth landing.

I dated a mathematician. She said our chemistry was off the charts, then she showed me her figures.

I dated a rodeo champion. She told me eight seconds is a great ride. I've never felt so understood.

I dated a personal trainer. She said I had great form, but my endurance needed work.

I dated a real estate agent. She showed me around, then she showed me the master bedroom.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce skip the movie and go straight to bed.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda come over and keep me warm tonight?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive the way you look in my shirt.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice couch handle what I have in mind?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Butter. Butter who? Butter lock the door first.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes going to be the best night of your life.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to stay the night?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Heidi. Heidi who? Heidi clothes, your roommate's home!

Knock, knock. Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie thing you want tonight, just ask.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Watts. Watts who? Watts it going to take to get you out of those jeans?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Owl. Owl who? Owl be in the bedroom. Don't keep me waiting.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Sofa. Sofa who? Sofa, so good. Now let's try the bedroom.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the music so the neighbors can't hear us.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wood. Wood who? Wood you like to find out?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for a nightcap.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Nacho. Nacho who? Nacho average booty call.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca toothbrush, you bring the wine.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? Tank you for last night.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Cash. Cash who? Cash me in the shower in five minutes.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you wearing under that robe?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wayne. Wayne who? Wayne are we doing that again?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Ice cream. Ice cream who? Ice cream your name. The neighbors know it by now.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana be alone with you.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Juicy. Juicy who? Juicy what you did to me last night?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Kiss. Kiss who? You, as soon as you open this door.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? Doughnut stop what you're doing.

We tried a new position last night. I stayed on my side of the bed, and she didn't steal the blanket. Magical.

My girlfriend and I have a safe word for when things get too wild. It's "Netflix."

After five years together, "Want to go to bed early?" has two meanings, and we both pretend to know which one.

My girlfriend says I'm a great kisser. I tell her it's because I practice on her every chance I get.

Couples who shower together save water. We've saved so much water. The bill disagrees.

She asked if I'll still chase her around when we're old. I said, "Of course. Slowly. With a walker."

She bought us matching pajamas. We've worn them twice. Long story, short night.

We tried couples yoga to feel closer. We felt closer. We didn't finish the class.

My girlfriend says I'm the best she's ever had. She means my pancakes, but I'll take it.

We made a rule: no phones in bed. It's amazing how fast we find other things to do.

She asked if I'm a morning person or a night person. I said it depends who's in my bed.

We bought a "Do not disturb" sign for the bedroom door. The dog can't read.

I asked her what she wants for her birthday. She whispered it in my ear. I'm going to need a bigger budget and a longer weekend.

She told me to surprise her in the bedroom, so I made the bed. She was genuinely shocked.

The neighbors asked if we were moving furniture all night. We said yes. Repeatedly.

She said she wants a man who's good with his hands. I fixed the sink. Wrong kind of good, apparently.

She said, "Let's go to bed early tonight." I've never brushed my teeth so fast in my life.

My girlfriend says I have two speeds: asleep, and "are you awake?"

She said our love life needed more spice, so I got out the paprika. Not what she meant, and now the sheets are orange.

We have a deal: whoever loses the argument picks the movie. Whoever wins picks what happens after.

Our relationship is built on trust, communication and an agreement that the bed is never made on weekends.

She asked what I want for dinner. I said "you." She said "pick a restaurant." I picked the one closest to home.

Date night used to mean dinner and dancing. Now it means takeout and racing each other to the bedroom.

We tried a "no kissing" challenge. It lasted eleven minutes. We're both very proud.

She texted me "come over." I've never parallel parked so well in my life.

She said she likes a man who takes charge, so I took charge of the remote. Wrong move.

Why was the mattress so tired? It never got a night off.

Why did the couple bring a ladder to bed? They heard things were going to the next level.

Why don't vampires get second dates? They always go for the neck on the first one.

How do you know a couple is serious? They stopped closing the bathroom door and started locking the bedroom one.

Why did the strawberry blush? It saw the whipped cream coming.

Why did the cowgirl get so many dates? Everyone heard she was great at riding. Horses. She meant horses.

What do a good dirty joke and a good date have in common? Timing, a little tease and a big finish.

Why are electricians so good in bed? They always check the connection before they turn you on.

Why did the couple get kicked out of the library? Too much checking each other out.

Why did the pillow blush? It overheard everything.

What did one hammock say to the other? "Let's hang out and see where things swing."

Why was the gym so steamy? Everyone kept checking out each other's form.

Why did the matchstick get so many dates? It always knew how to strike up something hot.

Why did the yoga mat blush? It got stretched in ways it never saw coming.

Why did the couple stop playing hide-and-seek? Every round ended in the same room.

What did the left sock say to the right sock after a long night? "We need to talk about how we ended up on the lamp."

What did the shower say to the couple? "Two at a time? Really?"

Why are pirates bad boyfriends? They're only after your booty.

What's the difference between a good lover and a good hike? On a hike, you're allowed to rush to the top.

Why did the bed creak so much? It had a lot to say about last night.

What did the candle say to the couple? "Don't worry, I'll set the mood. You two handle the rest."

Why do couples love camping? One tent, one sleeping bag and no reason to get up early.

Why did the lingerie go to therapy? It kept getting dropped on the floor.

What did the blanket say on a cold night? "Don't worry, you two. I'll keep it under wraps."

Why do bakers make great lovers? They knead you, they warm you up, and they know exactly when to take you out of the oven.

Why is the alarm clock never invited to bed? It doesn't know when to keep you up and when to let you sleep.