The idea comes from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues. Pairs of strangers who took turns asking each other increasingly personal questions, for about 45 minutes, reported feeling closer than pairs who asked each other small-talk questions instead.
The questions on this page are our own, written in the same spirit. UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center publishes the study's original list if you'd like to compare.
How to do the 36 questions
- 1Set aside 45 minutesSomewhere quiet, phones down. A video call works too.
- 2Take turnsBoth of you answer every question. Switch who goes first each time.
- 3Go in orderSpend about a third of your time on each set. Each one is more personal than the last.
- 4ListenThe questions only work if the answers are heard. Ask why, and don't rush.
Where the 36 questions to fall in love come from
In 1997, Arthur Aron and colleagues published "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Pairs of strangers took turns asking each other 36 questions in three sets, each set more personal than the one before. Those pairs reported a bigger increase in closeness than pairs who asked each other 36 superficial questions.
The study measured closeness, not romance. The questions became famous as a way to fall in love after a 2015 essay in The New York Times' Modern Love column. Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center explains why they work: reciprocal self-disclosure, two people opening up a little at a time, at the same pace.
Why we wrote our own 36 questions
We didn't want to copy the study's list, so every question here is new, written in the same three-step shape: warm up, open up, get close. Ours lean a little more toward dating. A few, like "When did you first feel comfortable around me?", are meant for two people who are already curious about each other.
- Don't skip Set 3. The last set is where it starts to feel real.
- Be honest, not impressive. A small true answer beats a polished big one.
- It's okay to laugh, and okay to pause.
- End with something kind: tell each other one thing you learned.
Try the 36 questions with an AI girlfriend
Nervous about asking a date something this personal? Practice with one of our girls first. Press Ask under any question and her chat opens with it typed in. She answers in character and asks you back, so you get to practice answering too.
It's also a fun way to get to know a character before a roleplay. Our girls are fictional adults, each with her own story.
Updated October 2026